The Cost of Graduate School: It's More Than Just Money

When I began graduate school in the Spring of 2020, I was aware of the financial costs I was about to jump into. After all, I had personally financed my way through my bachelor's degree in my twenties, working full-time the whole way. I knew the money would swallow me, and I would be thrown a life raft...eh...more like those two cheap arm floaties from the dollar store... in the form of student loans to help me. It were as if I were standing on the metaphorical higher education cliff, looking down, about to jump into the sea of money. I saw it, held my nose, and jumped.

However, what I did not anticipate was the emotional, physical, and mental impact of graduate school. If we're going to continue with the cliff diving metaphor, it was like seeing the water below but failing to brace for the impact. Let me preface by saying, my experience is unique to me, as your experience is unique to you. I am a mother of two pre-teens (one who has become a full-blown teenager since graduating), a wife, a full-time public education teacher, a friend, an aunt/niece, a sister, a daughter...you get the idea. None of those ceased to exist when I started graduate school (not even working full-time), but they definitely suffered because of it.

Writing a literature review on family vacation last 4th of July, doing discussion questions on car rides, "Yes, Anne, I agree with you...and I like how you stated...", locking myself in my room entire Sundays to finish a paper or research, being mentally exhausted and unable to give any engagement to others, not being able to pick up my kids from school, saying no over and over again to friend & family gatherings, leaving promptly at the end of the work day, typing my (best) work at 3 a.m. and being up for work at 6:30, staring in the glare of a computer screen more than my children's eyes, again...you get the idea. Now, some of this is my own dang fault...procrastinators UNITE! And the reality is, there are only 24 hours in a day.

It was taxing on me; it was taxing on those I love, and that is a cost I can never repay. We missed out on time, the ultimate cost of something. The hard truth is, for a while-3 years exactly-I missed out on the small pieces of the lives of those I love the most. Of course I was there a little, I was there when I could be, I was there when it was absolutely necessary, BUT it was those small moments I missed, those small moments of connection. A dinner together, a "how was your day?", an uplifting conversation, a new inside joke, a life update, a funny show to laugh together with.

The reality is going to graduate school was the hardest thing I have ever done, not because of the academia, but because of the cost to those I love. I see it now-how people I love kept on living, while I was busy writing paper after paper, and how I missed out on the trajectory of their lives. I honestly don't know if I could have continued if I had not known there was an end date-something I told my kids more than once. "It won't be like this forever, just one more year...a few more months...a few more weeks...a few more days."

At this point, it may sound as if I regret it. I don't. At all. I'm a better person because of it. As with many things, it just came with a cost. So, if you are swimming in the waves of graduate school, continue friend, but brace for impact and know it won't be like this forever.